I’m alone in Thailand. My husband has left me. So I’m sitting by myself watching the rain, as I slowly sip my coffee, pondering.
When I say he left me, I mean he’s gone back to Australia for a few days, to watch to AFL Grand Final (Go Freo). So I’m left for a few days of quiet time here in Hua Hin. It’s a weird feeling. Aside from work, I’ve not travelled internationally by myself for years. Not since my 20’s in fact, which let’s admit it, was a long time ago.
The morning he flew out, I woke up in our hotel room in Bangkok, knowing that once he’d left, I’d have the evening alone in the city before the drive back to Hua Hin the following morning, and four days alone in our Airbnb before he rejoined me. Not a long time, but I’d have to navigate this huge city alone, pack up our room and travel the 3 ½ hours without him. I’d then be alone, in this town where I know no one, to entertain and look after myself for four whole days.
As I stood in shower, my stomach feeling unsettled, I realised I felt kind of anxious, an odd feeling for me, I’m not an anxious person. I’ve travelled a lot over the years, with Glen, with friends, alone, and I’ve spent a lot of time in Thailand and Bangkok. I feel comfortable in my own skin and in this country. I’m also a pretty confident, independent person and I thoroughly enjoy some Amelia time. I had in fact been looking forward to it.
As the water washed over me, it occurred to me how comfortable I have become travelling with Glen. How used to knowing my role in our pair and more importantly, knowing what wasn’t mine to worry about. If you need plans made, things booked and times triple checked, I am all over it. But I often need someone to remind me to check the safe before we leave a room, not because I’ve forgotten something, but it’s not entirely out of the realm of possibility, and if you want someone to check the bill, confirm the amounts in the local and our home currency and be confident all is as it should be, I am not your woman. Obviously, I can manage it all, but somethings just aren’t my strength, and some years ago I gave up worrying about that and gave into letting Glen manage the things he’s best at.
I know I will be 100% fine as soon as I’m left to my own devices, but this feeling did get me thinking. Sadly, over the past few years we’ve lost some good friends and family members, both young and not so young. Watching those left behind try and rebuild their lives and discover who they are without their loved one has been hard. They’ve had to learn to do all the things they used to do as a pair, now alone. They too once took for granted that someone had their backs, they could relinquish responsibility for the things they weren’t great at. Being alone, they had to struggle to accept that to live the lives they wanted, they had to shoulder all the tasks, all the roles all the responsibilities. This moment of anxiety, having a few days without Glen, made me realise how hard it must have been to take all those first few steps alone again. Knowing that their person was not coming back.
As someone who loves to travel and experience the world, I vowed to myself, that no matter what my future holds, and hopefully no matter what our future holds, I will keep exploring and living my life. I will not give into the fear of change and let it stop me enjoying my passions.
It’s now been 4 days, and I can report I’m as happy as a clam. Of course I miss having Glen around and I’m looking forward to having him back. But I’m also loving my alone time. I’ve been to yoga classes, gone running, spent time in the pool. eaten out alone, made some random friends in the pub, watched the ocean while drinking my morning coffee and even been the movies. Where I learnt that is customary for the National anthem to play after the previews and for everyone to stand in respect. Turns out, as I suspected, I am totally fine travelling alone and the anxiety I was feeling was just a little blip.
Glen is coming home tomorrow, one day early. His team lost the finals, and I think he’s ready to restart the adventure. I’m glad he’s coming back, but I am grateful for this time, for being reminded, if only for a brief moment, that I will always be fine alone.
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